I thought marriage was for fun until I heard Iyanla Vanzant say that relationships are not the place you go to,to have fun but rather to heal,grow and learn. Damn!
A couple of months ago,when I had just had a baby,my partner came home just a few days after I got home from the hospital and announced that a collegue of his had lost a husband and he would travel to the neighbouring country (Tanzania) for the funeral. My first thought was,’But I just had a c-section and the baby and I need you with us!’
I didn’t voice my concern though, because I don’t like – or rather I avoid – telling him what to do. For the next week or so,I accepted that he would go and that was that. I accepted that I FELT what he was doing was inconsiderate and insensitive but it might just have been him extending his support for someone who was dealing with immense grief. The kind of grief I knew nothing about.
He came home everyday with details of the pending journey and seemed really excited about the opportunity to travel. So excited was he that he would check out -on google maps- the road to the place they were going to. He would say things like,’We will pass right near Kilimanjaro!’ I felt like he had forgotten the reason why he was going. He was more excited about the road trip than he was about the opportunity to condole with a family that had just lost a son and his colleague who had lost her husband. I found it disturbing!
Raining the judgement
When I pointed this out to him,he got mad and for the next couple of days he did not say a thing about it. On the eve of the scheduled travel day,he came home and announced he wasn’t going anymore because he did not want to leave us all alone! Awwwww! Hold it! Hold that awwwww.
Today,(almost five months later)on our way home from church,he revealed to me that the reason he never went was because his boss thought it a bad idea because we had just had a baby! Bam! I wasn’t crazy afterall. I knew there was more to the story of why he wouldn’t be travelling anymore but I did not ask or even want to know. All I knew was how I felt. So when he said he wasn’t going anymore,I said nothing but inside I thought,’I would never choose a road trip over caring for my family. Basically,I got on my horse.
I’m reading a daily devotion by Dr.Chris Thurman titled,’The lies couples believe’. Today’s lesson was – I’m a much better person than you. The reading literally brought me down to earth. I don’t feel entitled anymore. Infact,I’m sad I judged him. He is here to help me learn,heal and grow. He is after all human. In this month of love,what bothers you most about someone you are in a relationship with? Because therein lies your lesson,your healing and opportunity for growth.